What do you want? Not so easy to answer.

As I said yesterday, I feel like I am at a road block in my career. Ha, if you can call it that.

"What do you want?" is an easy question to answer if you are asking me what I want for lunch, or what I want to do today, but not so when you ask about my career.

I remember when I got out of high school and I was looking for a job all I really wanted was to work at Save on. That was the place to work. I knew that I didn't want to do a fast food job. Once I got in at Save On and worked there for just over a year my feet were itching for a desk job. I was tired of being a deli clerk and having people constantly complaining about lunch meat. There are bigger issues in the world I can tackle besides whether the meat I am slicing is too fatty. No, I am not opening a new one just for you. Hence, maybe I shouldn't be in customer service.

Then the opportunity popped up to work in the hotel when my ex's boss said, gee, you are here every day anyways, do you want a job? I was dumbfounded. I agreed, and was training the next month. I enjoyed the hotel for the most part, until I was robbed at knife point, and oh yeah, working Christmas day really sucked.

So then I decided, okay, I want a desk job, Monday-Friday 9-5 type hours with stats off.

Friend's dad was looking for someone to work reception at his group of 2 mining companies. Sure, I said. I really enjoyed that job. It grew, and I grew. I moved up the ladder, I learned new things. Until we had someone come on board who ruined everything and pretty much sickened me into leaving. At that time I thought, ok, I have been doing this now for 3 years. I don't really want to start at the bottom of a new industry. I know this one pretty well. So I looked for another mining company, and found one. A terrible one, where I lasted all of 3 days.

I called in the cavalry and had an interview scheduled the next day for the place I am working now.

I liked this place at first. It was a bit of a demotion, because I was back as basically a front line receptionist again, and a Jill of all trades. As I stayed on, my position evolved to reception and jill of all trades, plus plus and plus. The problem is I am bored. I like the people I work with, but I don't want to be that front line person anymore. The question really is, where do I go from here? The answer isn't easy. I read the other admin postings on the internet and to tell you the truth, I just kind of look at them and go, "ugh. I really don't want to do this anymore."

There I am, no college degree, 7 years of EA experience, a thorough knowledge of public junior mining companies, and no clue where the heck I want to go.

Since it's easier, here's a list of things I DON'T want:

• I don't want to be frontline reception and answer phones
• I don't want to do the joe jobs.. couriering things, postage, ordering office supplies, being the one to decide what phone provider we go with
• I don't want to commute this far anymore
• I don't want to work weekends/stat holidays
• I don't want to travel for work

Maybe this is the end of the line for me. It seems most powerful people are working constantly and that is not the life I want for myself. My husband isn't a power person either, and I wouldn't want him to be. I want to have a life. Work to live, not live to work.

It seems to me that the answer might be that I need to go back to school, which scares me. I don't want to quit my job to take on debt and start worrying about how I am going to pay my mortgage. Maybe I can go to school part time, but if I do, the CSW program will take me 4 years to complete, and then I have to face my fear of starting at the bottom in a new industry.

Hell, I want someone answering my phone, and doing my expense reports and reconciling my credit cards.

My life plan is on track. I have a home, which I own, and a great husband, and who knows? Maybe in 2 years we will try for a kid, as previously planned.

If I do have that kid, I want to be the one to raise it. I want to be there when he or she comes home from school. I don't want to raise a latch key kid, and most of all, I don't want my kid stuffed into a daycare and raised by someone else! Maybe my real aspiration is to become a housewife, which won't happen in this day and age.

Arggh. The more I think about it, the more I want to bang my head on my desk.

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I feel.. trapped.

Why must money be so lucrative, and play a big role in what steps we choose? I mean, is anyone really happy in their job, or does it all come down to the almighty dollar?

I think I have some hard decisions to make in the coming months.

What a way to start off your married life.. nothing like a bit of anxiety to shake things up, right?

I don't want to leave wher I am now, to live pay cheque to pay cheque doing something else. Sure, I might get a lot of fulfillment out of something else, but I'll probably be too busy worrying about money to care.

I'm happy with my personal life. Where I am is really where I want to be. I have married the love of my life, own my own home, have a great family and two very spoiled and happy cats.

Professionally, not so much. I am stagnant. I am sitting in exactly the same spot doing exactly the same job, day in and day out with no hope of advancement. I guess it all really depends how long I want to sit in a dead end job just for the sake of the salary, which I think may change come New Year.

Maybe I should just focus on Christmas. Seems to be my way. I'll just focus on the wedding, Christmas, Easter... And on it goes.

Who knows? Maybe I will get fed up and leave, if the right opportunity presents itself.

I ran, swinging my arms for momentum and running faster than I'd ever run before. Pushing forward through the forest and trying not to trip on the wayward roots of evergreen trees, I moved toward my goal. The rain was falling slowly, it was cold, getting dark and smelled of damp foliage disturbed by my pounding feet.

"Martin!" I screamed, "Martin! This isn't funny any more! Mom says you have to come home!" At that moment, panting heavily, my throat hoarse, I tripped. Some roots underneath me had taken the wind out of me, and I gasped on the forest floor. As I sat up I looked to see what I had tripped over, and that's where I saw it, a shoe and a leg sticking out from behind a bush. The shoe belonged to my brother, Martin.

What's stopping you?

The other day the sig other and I were talking and I asked him:

"If you could have your dream job, any job in the world, what would it be?"

He pondered a moment and responded, "a professional hockey player. What about you?"

I scratched my head and thought for a moment and said, "a writer."

At which point, there was a pause in the conversation and he said, "what's stopping you?"

Good point I thought. What is stopping me? Besides a lack of good ideas. I'm a voracious reader and I guess I am afraid that I'm going to end up copying something that's already been done. Seems like everything has been done, heck even JK Rowling and Stephenie Meyer have been accused of plagiarism (not that I would want to emulate Stephenie Meyer.. sorry Twihards, I thought the series was a bit of a train wreck).

Plus who really would want to read my writing anyway? But ah, the smell of fresh ink and paper warm off the printer beckon to me. Yet I still fall victim to the flashing of the cursor on my screen.

I was looking at old report cards a week ago. My mom has saved them all these years because she thought it would be fun for me to look back and read what I was like in Kindergarten and the earlier grades. She said that my report cards were a joy to keep because they were always glowing reviews of a precocious and knowledge-hungry child.

There was a theme in each one of the primary ones, which weren't so much a "report card" but more of a little write up on how my skills were developing. There was a common theme each year. A likes to sing, A likes to write, A likes to read aloud and act. Apparently in grade 2, the class was enthralled by a story I wrote about a 200 year old genie trapped in a chip bag. :D

Funny how we are defined so early in life and our likes and dislikes are so clear even then.

I wish someone told me that at 26, I'd enjoy drinking tea, crochet, and watching Coronation St. Basically, that I'd be an 80 year old granny trapped inside a 26 year old body. Ha.

I think as people what we really want in life is to leave some kind of legacy. Some people think of children as their legacy, some people think of good deeds, or donations, but I often think a good legacy to leave behind is a pile of good books.

If I could write a book, and even if it was the crappiest book ever, yet some generous publisher decided to pick it up, and just one person read it, and treasured it I'd be fulfilled.

Maybe I'm getting bored with my only tie to creative writing being business correspondence emails. *shrugs*

What's on the shelf?

Wow what's on the shelf still has no followers... oh well. LOL.

Not much new happening lately. Mostly deconstructing old memories, putting them into neat, compartmentalized boxes and storing them away for future reference when I am old and grey. Getting ready to start my new life as a Mrs. I suppose.

It's been pointed out recently that I don't have as much time left as I thought I did. So far, I have a guest list. Woo hoo. Hey. That's progress!

Hey, what's on the shelf?

I started another blog called Hey, what's on the shelf? for anyone who is interested to see what I'm reading these days. I think you can get to it through my profile, but I'm still new at this blogger thing.

Thought for the day

I think it's kind of funny that the people we find attractive (celebrity wise) are people that do things we would like to do.

I have a friend who plays tennis that thinks a tennis player is really hot... I wonder if it is because they both play tennis.

I love Chris Isaak because he can sing. Well, that's not why.. but, I like to sing, and he is a good singer.

Connection?

Then again I also think Gordon Ramsay is hot in a sugar daddy sort of way, and I can't cook, but I can swear!